You’re Not Failing—You’re Mothering: A Guide to Overcoming the Feeling of Failure

Jan 24

Mothering can often feel like an endless series of expectations, many of which are impossible to meet. These standards create a persistent feeling of not being “enough” as a parent. But what if we reframe these ideas? What if the issue isn’t you, but the system creating these expectations?

Understanding Failure in Motherhood

Society often encourages people to "fail fast" and "fail forward" as part of growth. But for mothers, failure can feel overwhelming, even existential. This perception stems from ideals that aren't rooted in reality or importance. Here are some key insights about failure and motherhood:

1. Confidence Comes from Repetition

Confidence doesn’t come from perfection—it comes from practice. Like any skill, mothering improves through experience. It’s normal to struggle when trying something new. These moments aren’t failures; they’re opportunities to learn. Over time, repetition helps you anticipate needs, build systems, juggle schedules, and self-regulate with ease.

2. Mothering Is a Learned Skill

Contrary to popular belief, mothering isn’t innate. Motherhood scholar Andrea O’Reilly refers to the myth of "naturalization," the assumption that women are born knowing how to mother. This misconception sets mothers up to feel like failures when they’re simply gaining experience. The truth? Skills like caregiving, multitasking, and emotional regulation are learned and honed over time.

3. You Can’t Fail If You Don’t Quit

Mothering is about perseverance, not perfection. Whether it’s managing a household, supporting your children, or balancing work and family, mothers consistently show up. The small setbacks—a forgotten permission slip, a late drop-off, or an unexpected tantrum—don’t define your worth. They’re just part of life.

The Institution of Motherhood: Unrealistic Expectations

Many of the pressures mothers face stem from societal constructs rather than personal shortcomings. This "institution of motherhood" imposes unrealistic ideals, such as:

Maintaining a spotless home.
Raising perfect children.
Sacrificing personal identity for family.

These expectations weren’t created by mothers. They were designed by a system that thrives on making women feel inadequate. Breaking free from these norms requires recognizing that small mishaps don’t equate to failure—they’re simply part of life’s unpredictability.

Reframing Motherhood: Lessons from The Four Agreements

Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements offers valuable insights that can be applied to reframing motherhood:

Don’t Make Assumptions: Question societal definitions of a "good mother." Are these assumptions helpful or rooted in outdated ideals?
Always Do Your Best: Your best changes daily. Some days, it’s preparing a perfect meal. Other days, it’s just making it through the day. Both are equally valid.

As Ruiz writes:

"Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret."

Questions to Ask Yourself

When feelings of failure arise, pause and reflect:

Where did this standard or expectation come from?
Is striving for it meaningful or productive?
Who benefits from me holding myself to this standard?
What’s the worst that could happen if I let it go?
What might I gain by letting it go?

Releasing unrealistic ideals allows you to see your efforts as acts of care, love, and resilience—not failure.