The Messy Middle of Matrescence: Navigating Change and Reclaiming Yourself
Motherhood is more than a role—it’s a profound transformation. Matrescence, a term coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael, describes the complex identity shift that occurs when a woman becomes a mother. This transition is physical, psychological, and emotional, yet it often goes unrecognized. Much like adolescence, matrescence is filled with contradictions, growing pains, and evolving self-awareness.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re in a strange in-between phase, uncertain of who you are now that you’re a mother, you’re not alone. The journey of matrescence can feel overwhelming, especially when society expects you to “bounce back” rather than evolve forward.
The Challenge of Returning to Work
One of the most jarring shifts in matrescence is reentering the workforce after maternity leave. Many mothers find themselves questioning whether their careers still align with their new identity. The rigid structures, performative positivity, and unspoken corporate expectations can feel stifling after the freedom and chaos of early motherhood.
Studies show that a significant number of mothers reassess their career paths post-maternity leave. Some opt for flexible roles, while others seek entirely new career directions that better align with their changed priorities. If you’re feeling misaligned with your job after becoming a mother, it may not be that something is wrong with you—it may simply be that you are evolving.
Consider asking yourself: Does my work still align with who I am becoming? What adjustments can I make to better support my changing needs?
Identity Shifts: Cynicism or Transformation?
Matrescence forces you to see the world through a new lens. Relationships, career ambitions, and even leisure activities may no longer feel the same. At times, this shift can be mistaken for cynicism or negativity, but it’s often a sign of growth. You may find yourself questioning social norms, rejecting unrealistic expectations, and redefining what happiness looks like for you.
Rather than resisting these feelings, try embracing them as a natural part of your transformation. Matrescence invites you to explore new perspectives, challenge old beliefs, and step into a more authentic version of yourself.
Reflection prompt: In what ways have my perspectives shifted since becoming a mother? How can I honor this change rather than resist it?
The Pull Between Structure and Self-Determination
Many mothers experience a deep craving for control and autonomy—especially when so much of motherhood feels unpredictable. This longing can lead to an attraction to structured health, fitness, and nutrition programs that promise discipline and transformation through strict daily routines. While structure can be empowering, it’s important to recognize when it crosses into hustle culture, reinforcing the pressures of patriarchal motherhood.
Mothers are often expected to “do it all,” seamlessly balancing parenting, career, self-care, and relationships without faltering. This can lead to burnout, with rest becoming something that must be earned. Instead of subscribing to extreme discipline as a measure of worth, consider small but meaningful ways to reclaim your time and choices.
Alternative approach: Rather than an all-or-nothing challenge, consider a “5 Soft” approach—five minutes a day dedicated entirely to yourself. A short walk, a quiet coffee, a deep breath before the chaos begins—it all matters.
The Liminal Phase: Between Who You Were & Who You’re Becoming
Matrescence is not a linear journey. It often feels like floating in limbo, unsure of what’s next. You may feel disconnected from who you were before motherhood but not yet settled into who you are becoming. This phase—known as the liminal space—is where deep transformation happens.
Unfortunately, patriarchal motherhood rarely allows space for this kind of self-exploration. Mothers are expected to adjust seamlessly, prioritizing their families over their own evolving identities. But growth requires moments of pause. The discomfort of not knowing is part of the process, and sitting with it rather than rushing through it can be incredibly powerful.
Reflection prompt: What parts of myself are shifting? How can I give myself grace during this phase of becoming?
Reclaiming Your Identity Through Small Acts of Self-Prioritization
You don’t have to overhaul your life to reclaim yourself. Small, intentional acts of self-prioritization can help you reconnect with who you are beyond motherhood.
Ways to reclaim small moments of self-prioritization:
Take five minutes before your day begins just for yourself.
Listen to a favorite song while doing daily tasks.
Go for a short walk without an agenda.
Let yourself sit in silence and notice how you feel.
Each of these moments may seem small, but they accumulate over time. If five minutes is all you have in this season, let it be enough.
Embracing the Messy Middle
Matrescence is not just about becoming a mother—it’s about becoming you, over and over again. The questioning, the uncertainty, the reinvention—it’s all part of the process. If you feel lost, know that it’s a sign of transformation, not failure.
Patriarchal motherhood pressures women to prioritize productivity over introspection, making self-reflection feel like a luxury. But what if, right now, you gave yourself permission to pause? To notice the shifts happening within you? This moment—as you read this—can be an invitation to check in with yourself.
Reflection Questions:
What aspects of myself feel different since becoming a mother?
Where do I feel resistance in my transformation?
If I fully stepped into the person I’m becoming, what would that look like?
How can I create space, even briefly, to honor my own evolution?
You don’t need to have all the answers right now. What matters is that you give yourself the grace to grow, the space to explore, and the trust that clarity will come in time. Matrescence is messy—but so is becoming who you’re meant to be.